'Broken Peace'

At the age of forty one, after two untimely tragedies, I am learning to love ‘ME’ unapologetically! I've NEVER been alone - without a partner - and surprisingly, even in my broken peace, I am not lonely.

It's been 7 months since losing my love, my life partner and best friend. We were together almost twenty four hours a day. We lived together, commuted together, ate together, worked together and shared everything about life together.

When my fiance Tim passed, I didn't know how I would survive. My mind could not wrap itself around the thought of no longer having my Tim by my side. Like seriously no one to talk to? No one to share my deepest secrets with? Who will I trust again? No one to laugh and cry with? No more romance and happy dance? Death made all of these realities so final.

So much has changed since I lost him suddenly. I wasn’t ready for him to go. Here I am two hundred plus days later, at a place of brokenness but still at peace….I describe it as ‘Broken Peace’.

In my Tim's absence, I am now discovering me. I am learning how to love myself freely. I am growing spiritually and staying focused on my blessings; my three sons that God so generously shared with me, my mental health and sanity. These things are my top priority.

I refuse to take on anyone or anything that attempts to dim the light within me. I am continuously evolving and discovering amazing things about me. I am not the same Yazzie and in time, I will reintroduce myself to many.

In my brokenness, I am forced to woman up and play all roles, in all areas of my life. My crown has been adjusted and my load lifted. I never envisioned my life being this way, but I am learning to love myself and I know that with GOD by my side, I will be okay!

I need no friends or a partner to define me. I have no desire for intimacy; those feelings have left me and I am not ashamed of my reality. Quite frankly, I am loving me and embracing the hidden jewels that God has given to me.

Tim's death has awakened me. It's painful, but yet uniquely beautiful and amazing.

Often times we depend on humans for validation. Yes, I enjoyed Tim's daily compliments, his love and light but I've discovered and now only learning that what Tim has taught me through his love and respect is that I am a QUEEN and I will walk with confidence, as I am royalty.

I’m naturally an introvert, so my focus is never on having company or friends, instead I’m focused on my family and rediscovering me. Truthfully, Tim was the only person I've known in human form, that I have connected with on such a deep and beautiful level. I could not formulate the words to describe what we shared. WE were truly soulmates and he was sent to be my earthly and heavenly angel!

On this journey and in my broken peace, I am choosing to learn and love me. I stand tall and focus on the beauty that is within me. I still mourn, but yet I’m very determined to push through and win!

This is one of my favorite quotes and serves as a daily inspiration for me, "Work on being in love with the person in the mirror who has been through so much, but who is still standing!" Author Unknown.

I am truly learning and loving me in my 'Broken Peace'.

Yasmine Mechelle